Chapter 3 Growing Up Again

I didn't get much alone time with Vanessa, because she was always busy with work. Most of our outings were as a trio with That Man. But Vanessa and I built a tradition when I turned five: every Sunday, without deviation, Vanessa and I would go to the movies. Just the two of us.

I went to the movies hundreds of times in my previous life, but being there with Vanessa was special: holding hands as we walked past the coming attraction posters, sharing popcorn, sitting along side her. On the car rides home, we talked about the movies we had just seen.

I would never forget those days. It was my past-life's greatest wish come true.

***

I was twelve years old when I realized that “that man” was the needy one in the marriage. Apparently, they met two years after my accident.

I couldn’t help but feel irritated watching him splash and flirt with Vanessa in the pool at the “Office Family Day.”

As I continued to observe them, Dennis approached wearing a t-shirt and swim shorts.

“Hello, young man! You don’t look creepy or suspicious at all right now. Not one bit,” Dennis said sarcastically. Despite his bright smile, his eyes held a warning that I shrank under.

“I was just...”

Dennis cut me off.

“Staring at your half-naked parents? Specifically, your mom.”

I slapped my forehead with my hand. Busted.

The fact that Dennis could tell from afar put me on edge, and I looked around frantically to make sure no one else had been observing me. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that everyone else at this party was too preoccupied with what they were doing to notice.

“Despite being in this precarious situation, you’ve made it this far without incident,” chided Dennis. “Don’t screw it up now.”

Silently, I nodded.

He was right. The older I got, the more people would notice the nuances in my interactions with Vanessa and how I observed my parents. It would take only one slip-up for people to start thinking I had a serious Oedipus complex.

I needed to be more careful.

“I see the way you’re looking at her. After all these years and in this...situation, you can’t possibly believe that you still have a chance?”

“Yeah...” I stared off to the side of his head.

“So, you’re going to ignore the planet-sized variables and obstacles surrounding that union?”

I grit my teeth in frustration and looked Dennis in the eyes again. He was patiently waiting for an answer. “When I first laid eyes on her, it was like seeing color for the first time.”

I glanced back at Vanessa, who was still talking to, not only that guy, but other people at the party with that beautiful smile of hers.

I continued, “This has to work out, somehow, right? Otherwise, what is all this for? I have to be here for a reason.”

I looked at Dennis for some kind of guidance or assurance, but all he did was shrug. “That’s above my pay grade, but I get your point...just be careful. Now, enough of this serious talk, let’s go get some chow.”

We left the pool and headed towards the patio.

I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t want to cause an incident and end the charade, telling her who I am and how I’ve always felt.

But she’s my mom!

But she isn’t.

But she IS.

As we drew closer to the patio, the smell of grilled meat reached my nose, and my stomachnstarted to growl. As I went to pick up a plate, I noticed from the corner of my eye that Dennis was shaking hands with some co-workers.

Curious, I moved closer to get a better look at them. Then realization hit and I remembered them.

We had worked together in my previous life and I couldn’t believe the group stayed together after all these years.

Once Dennis was finished with his handshakes and small talk, we resumed our quest for food and found Gary at the grill, flipping burgers.

Gary happily waved his spatula at us. “Yo! Dennis!”

“Hey!” Dennis greeted back.

They shook hands. And that was when Gary finally noticed me.

“And you must be Vanessa’s spawn,” he laughed, as if he just told the best joke ever written. I remembered why I didn’t talk to him much. He was annoying as hell.

But to keep up appearances, I had to act like this was my first time meeting him. So I smiled, shook his hand, and introduced myself. “Hi, I’m Lee.”

“Nice to meet you, Lee. I’m Gary.”

Gary turned back to the grill and started dramatically flipping burgers, as if he were doing tricks.

He smiled at us as if expecting praise, which we didn’t give. We were not impressed.

“Ahem, what can I get for you, gentlemen?”

Dennis gestures for me to go first. I asked for a hotdog and Dennis asked for one as well. Gary prepared our hotdogs, then handed them to us. But before we could walk away to enjoy our food, Gary initiated another conversation with Dennis.

“You know, who I’ve been thinking about recently?” he asked.

“Who?” Dennis asked, curiously.

“Wes Stokes. The guy in the editing department.”

It’s a good thing I hadn’t bitten into my hotdog yet, otherwise I would have choked. I kept an ear to the conversation, pretending to be preoccupied with my food.

“Yes, I remember him, Gary,” Dennis answered. “He was my best friend, after all.”

“Yeah, I know. I was just thinking about the past and how funny it was watching him trip over himself whenever Vanessa was around.”

I was speechless.

No way, did everyone know that I had a crush on Vanessa? Did Vanessa know?

Dennis chuckled, but I couldn’t tell if he was laughing at what Gary said or at my reaction.

“The heart wants what the heart wants, I suppose,” Dennis shrugged.

“Yeah, rest in peace, Wes.” Gary shook his head sadly.

They continued to talk, but I moved out of earshot to enjoy my hot dog. I didn’t want to hear anymore of what they were saying. I was too embarrassed. Eventually, Gary went back to his grill, and Dennis walked back towards me. We walked together in the direction of the nearby park.

My silence must have been getting to Dennis, because he finally asked, “What’s up?”

I didn’t want to ask, but I just had to know. So, I swallowed hard and turned to him. “How did he know about my feelings for Vanessa?”

Dennis raised an eyebrow.

“I’d tell you to brace yourself right now, but I literally warned you in another life.”

Dennis clasped his hands together, forming a circle, and put them near his mouth like a makeshift megaphone and shouted, “Everyone knew!”

I could feel my face burning hot from embarrassment and turned away as Dennis laughed.

“You didn’t exactly hide it. Several people came to me and asked if you were in love with her.”

The more he spoke, the more embarrassed I felt. But then a thought crossed my mind, and

Dennis seemed to know where my mind was going before I could even ask.

“Everyone knew except for Vanessa. Whether she decided to ignore the rumors or was oblivious, no one could decide.”

My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I didn’t know which situation would be worse.

Could it be that she did notice, but didn’t like me in that way?

Dennis continued to poke fun at me throughout the entire party, which had me running back to my parents and feigning exhaustion. We left after they said goodbye to everyone. But from the corner of my eye, I could still see Dennis trying hard to keep the grin off his face.

Wow, enjoying my pain, are we?

As soon as we got home, I rushed inside the house and got ready for bed. But all I did was toss and turn–my conversation with Dennis running rampant inside my head.

I couldn’t believe everyone knew...I thought I was cooler than that.

What was worse was that I could never ask Vanessa if she knew.

Or did she not see me that way? Do I even want to know? If it turned out that was just...tolerating me this whole time, I don’t think my heart could take it.

I turned over once more and sighed.

Eventually I was able to calm my thoughts enough to get some kind of sleep. But I woke up the next morning feeling more tired than ever. Forcing myself through, I got dressed for school and made my way to the breakfast table where I spotted Vanessa already sitting down with a cup of coffee and her own breakfast in front of her.

She smiled when she saw me. “Good morning.”

I smiled and greeted her, trying hard not to show how tired I really felt inside.

“You look worn out. Are you okay?” she asked, slightly concerned.

I shook my head and tried to look a little more energetic. “I’m fine, Mom. Just stayed up late studying.”

Vanessa’s expression changed to understanding and she went back to her breakfast. I sat down at the table to join her when I heard footsteps coming from behind me.

It was that dad guy who put a hand on my shoulder, making me look up at him.

“Morning, Lee! I’m driving you to school today,” he smiled brightly.

Great.

I didn’t say anything and just went back to eating my breakfast as I waited for him to be ready to take me to school.

About an hour later, we were in the car on our way to school. I leaned against the passengernwindow, watching the scenery outside quickly change while “Dad” drove us in silence.

Little did I know that my dad was having an inner battle and cleared his throat to catch my attention. When I looked over at him, he asked “so anything interesting happening at school this week?”

I continued to stare out the window. “No.”

He tried again. “Ah, okay. Have you watched anything good lately?”

I shook my head, not even bothering to answer him this time. He deflated a little at my complete lack of interest in trying to hold a conversation with him. To add insult to injury, I put my AirPods in my ears to make my message clear.

When we got to school, I jumped out of the car with a quick thanks, but he didn’t say anything back. He just watched me walk towards the entrance and didn’t leave until he saw me go inside the building.

Maybe it’s because I’ve already done this in my previous life, but I find going through school again the most tedious part of my day. After all these years, they didn’t think of changing the curriculum a little bit to make it a challenge for me.

I was sitting in class with everyone else as the teacher continued to give their lecture. Little did I know I was being admired from afar by someone else in class.

The teacher asked the class to define “biology” and I raised my hand in answer. “It’s the study of living organisms.”

The teacher nodded with a smile. “Excellent, Lee.”

Later in History class, while giving an oral report on the Declaration of Independence, I got the sense that someone was staring at me from where four girls were sitting in the far right corner of the room. But I didn't look up, rushing to get through the dumb assignment and get home to, unwind from an even dumber day.

I slogged through onto math class, the one subject that I always struggled in. No matter how old I was mentally, I had always sucked at math, and it still showed when the teacher handed me my test back with a fat red F at the top. My face reddened and, again, I felt that same uncanny sensation of someone staring me down.

Finally it was English–the easiest subject for me by far. All you have to do is read and tell the teachers your thoughts. Technically, there are no wrong answers unless there is nothing tosubstantiate your interpretations.

The teach er went down the rows, having us each share our thoughts on the poem we read for homework the previous night. "So, what did you think?”

“It was long,” the guy two seats down said.

“It made me tired,” added my neighbor.

“All great answers,” the teacher chuckled. "But how did it make you feel?”

He continued the conversation with the class as a whole, sparing me my opinion.

"What was it trying to say? I’m not talking about the events that unfolded,” he added. “I’m asking about what it all truly meant.”

Summer, a girl who was in most of my classes and one of the most popular girls in school, raised her hand. “Well, it’s a creative work of art. It can mean many different things to many people.”

The teacher looked back at her, thoughtfully. “So, what you're saying, Summer, is that there isn’t a definite or true meaning behind the story?”

Summer nodded, proudly. “Yes.”

The teacher hummed. “Anyone else?”

After thinking for a moment, I decided to throw the old man a bone. “I assume the author wrote it with a specific intention. One that is altered, depending on the reader and their life experiences.

But despite those options for interpretation, there is only one absolute meaning.”

“And that is?” the teachers asked, expectantly.

“I believe it means that there will be a time in which we long for the things we take for granted.”

He winked and said, “Bingo.”

The teacher then looked back at Summer and asked “Summer, do you have a retort?”

She shook her head. “Nope.”

The final bell rang, stopping the discussion, and everyone poured into the hallway. I went to my

own locker, minding my business when I heard someone get closer to me. I assumed it was one of the guys next to me, but it was Summer. I glanced over to see her, laid back against the locker

right by mine.

I didn’t pay her much mind, but briefly glanced her way and gave a non-committal "Hello.”

Then I looked back to my bag and continued packing my books away. She didn’t seem perturbed at all by my lack of interest in her.

“Hi, Lee, let’s go out this Friday night. Just you and me.”

Welp, this kind of thing was bound to happen sooner or later.

I opened my mouth, about to reject her, when I realized that the hallway became a lot quieter all of a sudden, and there was a bunch of whispering around us. I looked around to find that a lot of

other students were watching the interaction between us, with keen interest.

I realized I was put on the spot and didn't have an easy out. If I rejected her without good reason, then it would draw unwanted attention. They wouldn't be able to understand how anyone could reject Summer, and would begin to suspect all sorts of crazy things about me.

I also had to face the fact that I was Vanessa’s son in this life, and it was time I started building a new life. There really was nothing tying me to my previous identity, other than Dennis.

Anything with Vanessa would never work. Maybe it was time to move on. All I could do was try, right?

“Okay...” I agreed.

The rest of the week went by in a blur, and then it was the night of my first date with Summer at an arcade. As I walked up to the arcade entrance that night, I could see her waving at me with enthusiasm from beside the door.

My heart still belonged to Vanessa, but for the sake of appearances, I had to make sure that Summer had a good time tonight.

The moment we entered side-by-side, Summer grabbed my hand with no intention of letting go.

The intimate action, along with the starry look in her eyes, took me aback.

"So glad you made it,” she chimed. “I was a little worried that you wouldn’t show...”

I shook my head, trying to appear more at ease. “Why would you think I wouldn’t show up? I said that I would, didn’t I?”

She smiled and nodded. “You're right, that's not like you. Let’s enjoy ourselves.”

We played almost every game, with me even winning her a few plushies from the crane machine.

While we were sitting down in the eating area over a pizza, I realized that Summer was a lot more intelligent and mature than what she made others at school believe.

If I hadn't kept my memories and feelings from my past life, I probably would have fallen for Summer.

Oh well, I’m sure she’ll find someone better than me one day.

The night ended as we left the arcade, Summer clutching the largest of her new plushies in her arms. The rest were small enough to fit in her purse. We were waiting down the street for our parents to pick us up when I felt her tug gently on my arm.

“Lee...”

I quickly looked towards her, but before I could react, Summer had planted a kiss on my lips.

What the-?

Finding my composure, I put my hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her a few inches back away from me.

She looked even more shocked than I was when she first kissed me. "What's wrong, Lee?”

I sighed in dismay. I didn't think I would have to do this, but if she was going to be that forceful, I had no choice.

“You’re a wonderful person and I had a great time–” I said with wavering enthusiasm.

"But?” she asked, taking a step forward towards me.

“I’m sorry” I pleaded slightly. "My heart belongs to someone else already. It has for a very long time.”

I watched as my words permeated her starry-eyed optimism, causing her eyes to water from a broken heart. She cried and I didn’t know how to comfort her. I never had to comfort a girl before—I was the one always getting rejected.

But if I showed that I felt bad for hurting her feelings, she might have thought she still had a chance with me.

A car horn saved me from the awkward situation because when I looked over, it was Vanessa in the car there to pick me up.

“I have to go now,” I said, taking a step back towards the car. “My mom is here. Sorry again.”

I turned to leave. “Wait!” Summer was calling after me. “Is it someone at school?”

“No,” I said, quietly, with barely turning my head back towards her. I lowered my head and walked the rest of the way to Vanessa's car.

As I climbed in, I hugged her tightly and she hugged me back, asking if I was okay. I nodded silently as she pulled back onto the road.

In an afterthought, I rolled down the window and yelled out, “I’ll see you at school!”

We left Summer standing in front of the arcade, looking at a loss to understand what had just happened between us. Up until the kiss, it was a fun night. Platonic, but fun enough.

Vanessa was humming when we walked back into the house. “My baby boy went on his first date with a beautiful girl,” she crooned.

I let out a soft laugh.

"Don't laugh politely at me!”

My mind was scattered as I tried to come up with a proper response that would satisfy her, but all that came out was, “I-it’s nothing.”

"What's on your mind, kid? Did you not like your date?”

As I began to walk away from her, a question bubbled back to the surface. One that I’d been trying to ignore ever since the pool party.

“Was...” I started, not making full eye contact with her. “Was there anyone else, you know, before Dad? Did you ever happen to like someone else and wondered what if it ended up being them instead?”

Vanessa was completely taken aback from the question. But it didn't take her long to regain her composure and give my question some genuine thought.

“No, not anyone that I can think of. Now, what sparked that question?”

And at that my heart—old Wes's, pre teen Lee’s–we were all one in the end, really—completely shattered.

Well, I guess that’s that. Vanessa never saw me in that way. All of this hoping was for nothing.

What did I expect anyway? Even had she said yes, nothing would have changed. But...it still hurts to know that even if I had gotten the courage to confess back then, nothing would have changed.

I turned away from her, trying my best to hide my tears.

“Because...it was my first date and I was curious” I shrugged, feigning casualty. “Yeah, that’s it.”

But her intuition must have sensed that something else was wrong because she didn’t say anything afterwards. Nor did she stop me from leaving the room.

I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed and when I glanced in the mirror, I looked more miserable than I could ever recall truly being.

I wiped my face and stared back at myself, deep in thought.

Vanessa had made it clear that she had never thought of old Wes as a romantic interest, so I should stop trying to fantasize about what now could never be.

I stepped into the steaming shower and let the water cascade over my head, which was hanging down from the emotional exhaustion of not just the night, but of the entire rebirth experience. I had the mentality of a man, but was as naive as a small child in thinking that a future with Vanessa would be possible any longer.

Why was this still happening to me? The women I received romantic attention from never assailed my heart. And the ones I was obsessed with never knew I existed. Occasionally my world would collide with the latter and we’d date for a time. But for one reason or another it never worked out with the women I pursued. My name and DNA may have been different, but I was the same person, stuck in the same circumstance. I thought I had grown since the night I nearly confessed to Vanessa.

I once read, “Don’t rely on death to liberate you. We take who we are into every life.” I couldn't go on as I was. Perhaps this whole thing with Vanessa... I didn't know why I obsessed. I didn't know why I only recognized love when it was an obsession.

Summer was a beautiful girl who deserved the world and whomever she ended up with would be the happiest person on the planet, but for some reason, I rejected said-beautiful-girl for Vanessa—a woman who is now my mom, and will never love me in that way for as long as I live.

That night was the wake up call I had needed. I wanted to change.

I could hear past-life Dennis in my head saying, ‘choose who chooses you.’

And that’s what happened that day. Vanessa never chose me. Not in my past life, nor in the current one. But Summer...did.

I pondered that for a moment and decided I would give Summer a chance.

Perhaps that would be what real love was anyways. Not the kind that makes you stop eating or sleeping when they're not around, but something more natural and dignified.

I picked my phone up from the bathroom sink and called Summer.

It took a couple of rings, but she finally picked up.

“Hello...”

She sounded unsure. I couldn’t blame her after our last conversation.

“Hey, Summer...”

She was probably wondering why I was even calling her. And I had been a little nervous that she wouldn't pick up. If she didn’t, I would have had to do this at school, and I certainly didn’t want an audience to hear what I was about to say.

Taking a deep breath, I sighed and said, “I’m sorry for earlier tonight. I was just shocked by the kiss and didn't know how to act. I do like you. I choose you.”

Silence.

I thought she would be offended by my quick change of heart, but to my surprise, she was actually really happy about it. She even half-joked that there were “no take-backs” and we bantered back and forth for a few minutes before calling it a night.

When I ended the call, I closed my eyes, knowing in my heart that this was the start of finally letting Vanessa go, and moving on in my life as Lee.

Goodbye Vanessa.

***

I stood outside of the arcade, watching Lee get into his mother's car. But when he climbed into the car, I noticed him hug his mom in such a strange way—it looked as if he was savoring it. It was unlike any mother-son hug that I had ever seen.

I watched their mouths move as they talked excitedly, with Lee laughing and smiling more than he had all evening. It was as if he were a different person with his mom–a different boy entirely.

As they turned and drove past me, Lee leaned out the car window and said “I'll see you at school.”

He had a glazed, starry-eyed look in his eyes, much like I imagined I probably looked when admiring him in class. His eyes were dilated—as they often do when a person is with someone they're in love with. But she was his mom. I knew he loved her, but...

I was so confused—a bit disgusted even, If I was being honest with myself.

The way he savored that hug. His personality change. He really did remind me of myself when I was with him.

Could he be in love with his...mom?

What the f*** is going on?!

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